


Drive That Funky Pottah !

by Wild_Hunter99



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Spider-Man (Movies - Raimi)
Genre: Humor, Out of Character, Parody, Possession, crackfic, gimme rent, gonna put some dirt in your eyes, pizza-time
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:20:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27346501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wild_Hunter99/pseuds/Wild_Hunter99
Summary: " Imagine if, on the night of his eleventh birthday, Harry Potter got possessed by the spirit of a version of Peter Parker (the one who puts dirt in everyone's eyes). And imagine him wrecking havoc through seven years in Hogwarts. I'm sure you missed the point where this is your problem, but here we go anyways! "A parody/crackfic.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	Drive That Funky Pottah !

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own neither Harry Potter nor Spider-Man. These franchises belong to their rightful owners.
> 
> WARNING: This is a fic that was inspired by the numerous memes on the Internet about "Bully Parker", we will go through various scenes from the seven books/ eight movies where the quotes and behaviors may fit: prepare to get some dirt thrown in your eyes!

Harry Potter lived in the 4th Private Drive with his uncle Vernon, his aunt Petunia and their son Dudley. He never knew his parents, for they had died when he was only one year old during a car accident, according to his ‘family’.

Since the day the Dursley had unwelcomed him, his life had been that of a pariah: underfed, beaten, ignored… those were the treatments young Harry got in the household and beyond it, for as soon as he came of age to enter elementary school, Dudley made sure that no one would befriend him for fear of persecutions.

But one day, sometime before his eleventh birthday, he received a strange letter that caused a ruckus in the house before he could even open it: an equally strange seal on it had alerted his aunt who took it away from him and threw it to the fire.

It was useless, however, for the following days, owls would fly from everywhere, dropping the same letter again and again until Vernon could no longer take it and decided to run away with his family, fleeing all around the country until they reached a shack on a rock in the middle of the sea.

That same night, Harry would turn eleven, and he silently wished for something.

_‘I wish to grow a persona that will allow me to live a new life where I’ll never be bullied again!’_

His wish was granted almost immediately, for he heard a voice echo in his head.

 _‘I’m gonna put some dirt in your eyes…’_ after that, he felt… changed!

***BANG***

At the same moment, bangs were heard on the door, waking everyone up. Vernon took his gun and came down the stairs, not-so-ready to fire on whoever the intruder was.

So strong was the banging that the door collapsed, revealing a massive silhouette on the entrance, darkened by the night and the storm raging outside. The giant entered the shack, and the light of the shelter showed a man with a long messy beard and hair, armed with a pink umbrella.

“Sorry ‘bout that.” he apologized, without fixing the door.

“I demand that you leave at once! You are breaking an entry!” Vernon threatened the newcomer with his gun, unsure what to do next. The giant turned to him, walked in front of the barrel and…

“Dry up Dursley you great prune!” he twisted it!

He then turned to a startled Dudley and addressed him.

“I haven’ seen ya since ya was a baby, Harry!”

“I-I-I’m not Harry…” the boy.

“Pizza time!” cried another boy, coming out of his hiding spot.

“Ah! Ya must be Harry! I got ya somethin’!” he pulled out of one of his pockets a slightly flattened box “I kinda sat on it, but it should be fine. I did it myself, writing an’ all!”

Harry stared at the cake, then at the giant.

“That’s a cute outfit.”

“Oh? Thanks. I’m Hagrid, by the way.” that was random, so he decided to cut the chase “Yer a wizard Harry!”

The boy looked blankly at Hagrid.

“I missed the part where this is my problem.”

“Huh? Ya mean you don’t even know anythin’? Dursley!” he boomed at Vernon “Ya never told him? Never told him what was in the letter Dumbledore left fer him? I saw him when he left it! And you never told him?!”

Through this conversation, Harry learned that he was a wizard, and so were his parents before him who, unlike what he was told, never died in an accident. He also learned that the letter he was prevented from reading by his uncle and aunt was an invitation to join Hogwarts, a school of wizards and witches. And the headmaster was a man called Dumbledore, who’s also the man who decided to leave him for eleven years with the Dursleys.

 _‘I’m gonna put some dirt in his eyes.’_ was now his objective upon encountering that man.

“So, ye comin’, Harry?” Hagrid prepared to leave, gesturing for Harry to follow him.

“No.” he simply replied, earning a surprised look from the giant.

“Yer not comin’? Why?” Harry pointed at the door on the floor and screamed.

“I’ll come with you when you FIX this DAMN DOOR!”


End file.
